How will this happen?  My credit’s bad, so maybe we won’t score a place in Clinton Hill and will move in together somewhere in Crown Heights.  Will that matter?  I’ll be in love with the guy, so doesn’t it follow that wherever I am I’ll be okay, as long as I’m with him?

Low-income neighborhood dwelling aside, how are we going to deal with our clothes?  I never had to share drawers of a chest or a closet with someone.  Is it too pretentious of me to ask that we not use wire hangers?  Who’d want to use wire hangers anyway?  They don’t slide well, are reminiscent of anti-feminism and they’re fucking ugly.

Will we have separate libraries or are we supposed to let our literature collections co-mingle?  If that’s the case, then we’d have to be careful about what books we put next to each other.  Or will we do that thing where we shelve them by the color of their spines?

I live in a studio now, alone, and it’s kinda gross in here, I admit.  Just the other day, I came home to the smell of rancid vomit and I couldn’t find the source but it went away.  And recently, my super told me that they’re going to be locking the front door to the building after midnight from now on, because someone defecated in the vestibule.  Gross, right?

I think I’m ready to move on and it would be nice to do so with someone who’ll love me and my cat.

To make things easier for you, since you all have tons of money to throw away on me, here’s a revised what-i-want-for-my-birthday list with more options to choose from:

$$$$

- A Vespa

- A physical trainer

- The password to one of those elite, underground sex parties, like in that Eyes Wide Shut movie.  And round-trip limo services to wherever these parties take place.

- A mirror that will go above my couch.  And that you have to install.

- A new laptop

- A Flip camera!  Wooooo!

- Two turntables and a microphone

$$$

- Magnets!  Lots and lots of magnets!

- A Guy Bourdin book, not published by Phaidon

- Any book, really.  You know the kinds I like: Big, glossy, have pictures in them, or are about affairs in New York City.

- A clock, ideally analog, that I can see in the dark (replacement for the clock on my cable box).

- Dior Show mascara

- Macallan (at least 12 years)

- Mario Kart!

- The Sartorialist

- Tatami mats.  Arigato!

$

- A tin/metal water bottle

- A pint glass

- Dentyne Ice gum

- A laser pointer

- Toofbrushes

- AA batteries

- AAA batteries

- Scotch tape

- paper towels

- aluminum foil

- toilet paper

- 500+ piece puzzles

- A ladle

- Kitty litter, but you have to bring it up to my apartment, that’s the deal.  The Arm & Hammer kind for multiple-kitty households, unscented or fresh scent is cool.

- Vino.  White vino, since it’s getting warmer and since I’ve had a few, uh, incidences with red vino.

- Subscription to Harper’s Bazaar

- Subscription to Elle

- Subscription to Vanity Fair

- A mirror that will go above my couch.  And that you have to install.

- A new laptop

- A Flip camera!  Wooooo!

- Two turntables and a microphone

$$$

- A clock, ideally analog, that I can see in the dark (replacement for the clock on my cable box).

- Dior Show mascara

- Macallan (at least 12 years)

- Mario Kart!

- The Sartorialist

- Tatami mats.  Arigato!

$

- AA batteries

- AAA batteries

- Scotch tape

- paper towels

- aluminum foil

- toilet paper

- 500+ piece puzzles

- A ladle

- Kitty litter, but you have to bring it up to my apartment, that’s the deal.  The Arm & Hammer kind for multiple-kitty households, unscented or fresh scent is cool.

- Vino.  White vino, since it’s getting warmer and since I’ve had a few, uh, incidences with red vino.

- Subscription to Harper’s Bazaar

- Subscription to Elle

- Subscription to Vanity Fair

Some updates:

- I’m employed.

- I got a Wii for Christmas.

- I bought Tetris for my Wii.

- I bought an additional remote controller for my Wii so that I could play against all my friends when they come over.

- You know that rug/carpet thing underneath the table in my kitchen?  I got rid of it so it looks less gross in my apartment.

Stay tuned for more…

via Greg Chann

- That thing that you put on your stove that you use to rest your stirring spoon or whatever on. What’s that called?

- One of those pots that’s like, more than a foot tall. I want to make soup that I can slurp for weeks!

- Money to pay my ConEd bill. While you’re at it, throw in some more for my cable bill. I got my cell phone bill covered, so no worries.

- 2-ply paper towels.

- One pair of scissors

- A knife sharpener

- Cat litter. (Arm and Hammer. If they don’t have it, don’t get anything. I’m serious, no fucking Fresh Step. Arm and fucking Hammer is the best.)

If I think of more stuff, I’ll let you know.

They live with each other, my friends.  They share things and make decisions together.  They’re leaving me and they’ll be gone in a few years in Togetherland.  I wonder what it’s like to live with someone and make joint decisions with, a person who might even share a bank account with me.  How does that work?  I remember seeing on TV this rule that a married couple had- they called each other to clear permission for purchasing things over $100.  That sounded reasonable.

They’re not like this when I’m with them.  When I hang out with my friends who are together with people they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with, the end does not seem near.  We play Wii, we eat wings, we drink pints.  Some of them fall asleep in my bed and in my bathroom.  Some of them throw up in there.  Many of them sit in my apartment with me and watch television, but I know it’s not going to be like this forever and I can’t take it.  They’re leaving me.

I know it’s not their faults, so I have to find a solution.

Ideas:

- throw myself in front of a moving subway train

- drink until I seize to death

- join an anti-marriage cult and relocate with them to some undiscovered island in the Pacific

- go completely anti-tradition and marry my cat, like that Australian guy who married his dog, and assume all control over finances and other negotiable matters involving the ability to communicate in the same language

I don’t want to drift apart from my friends, but I know it will happen as I get older and I know no one means to hurt me.  I don’t have anyone to get old with.  I only have you guys and you’re all pretty much involved.  I’m trying to get involved but everyone sucks.  How should we do this?  Can one of you couples adopt me?

-

I listen to it while I:

- wash dishes

- iron my shower curtain

- take showers

- engage in auto-erotic activity

- look for jobs

- avoid looking for jobs

- do crossword puzzles

- have Law and Order on mute

I love that guy-in-blindfold shit.  Was Guy Bourdin an inspiration for this video?  Something about the vibe makes me think so:

Montage:

First in Line:

Chorus (perhaps my favorite):

Preparing:

Elliptical machine:

- a stainless steel ladle

- tongs

- a shower curtain liner

- a Brita water filter

- 8.5 x 11 printer paper

- a Scotch Brite sponge

- Clear Care contact lens solution

- a toofbrush (medium)

- exfoliating face wash for sensitive skin

- metal chopsticks